Today is my 42nd birthday. I woke up all alone in my bed. All alone in my house. There should be laughter and chatter and people and love but it’s empty and my life feels empty as a result. My husband moved out this past October – taking some space. My kids are with me half as much as they were just five short weeks ago. I did not choose this. I did not want to have a life without my family intact. I opt out! I choose happiness over this shit-storm of uncertainty and heartache. I want my goddamn family back. I want my husband back. Not the asshole who hurt me time and again. Not the one who betrayed my trust and my heart over and over. Not the man who lashed out and said damaging, hurtful things. Not the man who shamed me and blamed me. Not that man.
I want the man I spent the last 16 years building a life with; a family with. The man who had my back at every turn. The father of my children. The man who adored me, who loved me, who would never have given up on me. And now, I feel invisible and unworthy and forgotten. I am supposed to be someone I can’t be and I am stuck.
But maybe this is not the case at all. Perhaps this is an opportunity; a new beginning, a chance, a new start, hope. A new life. One where I learn to roar and soar and be the most amazing version of myself there is. I will grow, change, and step out of these ropes that have bound me to others; to my husband, to my children. I have been leaking outside of myself, forever losing what I needed the most. ME. My essence, leaking out into the ether until I am empty.
This is the NOW.
This is the new life I always needed and possibly wanted without even knowing it. I will find my path; and it is infinite and open and filled with possibility. I am strong, I am empowered, I am fierce, I am the Phoenix and I will rise from these ashes and soar above all of this shit. (And crap on the people’s heads who piss me off). There will be no stopping the invincible self that lies within me. That has always been within me. My strength, my inner fire. It is there, it is alive, and it is on its way out.
Step out of my way. I am the girl on fire.