I had been filled with hope today – I wrote about it earlier. I was scared as I wrote – I knew somewhere deep – that it wasn’t real. It was a false longing. And later this evening, here’s how I knew I had been right.
I began to harass my husband via text about love. Love we once shared, love we had for each other as a couple, and as parents, and a family. When I was telling him I loved him, that I had a love that was bone deep, I felt filled with it – filled with that love. And then he and I actually shared a few loving messages. He told me he loved my fiery nature, my intensity. I told him that I loved laughing at ridiculous shit with him.
And then something strange happened. I couldn’t think of anything else I knew and absolutely loved about him; this familiar and yet relative stranger to me now. I tried. What is it about this man whom I proclaim to love? Who is he? What are his strengths? His redeeming qualities?
In that moment – that shocking moment when I couldn’t think of a single concrete thing that I loved about his character, his personality, his being, I realized that I have no idea who the fuck I have been living with, loving with, being with, raising a family with, these past 16 years. And then I realized why.
We melded. It’s worse than codependency. It’s when two people become one unit. One being with no solid sense of individuality or identity outside of that relationship. These relationships are not successful unless the individuals within them can manage to do their own self work. They must learn to untangle the tendrils of the melding, learn to be complete and functioning adults, human beings, on their own and in their own light.
I have always viewed my husband as my rock – my best friend. But when I look back at that relationship (having had space from it for 6 weeks now) all I sense is two indistinct blurry people clinging to each other because that was all that they knew. And now, those people are peeling the layers of shit and muck off of themselves. They are searching for themselves outside of dependency and all of the tangled lies they wove.
I am excited to see who I am – I am excited to see who I become. I am excited to see who my husband becomes too and how we fit together once we find our own selves.
I am not certain of anything at this point save my uncertainty.