After the Children

I am in the rabbit hole.

I am at the bottom of my rollercoaster.

My husband just called my blog – this blog – “absurd, self-indulgent bullshit”

My hurt is real. My feelings of inadequacy and rejection – those are real. My abandonment, my pain, my feelings of guilt, rejection, betrayal, ALL REAL. My blog posts are MY perspective on MY life. I do not understand why his opinion should matter so much; but here I am and I actually believe him.

I want an off switch for my brain.

I am trying desperately to emotionally separate myself from this man – this stranger. I know that I don’t matter to him in the way that I once did. And this is the most painful truth of all. I used to be his all – his everything. The center of his universe. And now I am less than, a burden, a woman he used to have sex with.

I am not sure of anything anymore and that is the codependency piece coming into play. Without his love and his care and compassion, who am I? Am I even worthy of those things if the one person who was supposed to have my back forever has bailed on me and taken them away and given them to another?

This is what abandonment feels like. This confusing space of what the hell has happened? Where did we go? Where are the 25 and 26-year-old kids who fell in love and had a life together?

We had babies, one home, and then another, pets, a mortgage. While I was pregnant with our first, he read to my bulging belly every single night for the entire 9 months. He gave me back rubs, doted on me, cherished and loved me with this adoring love that I had never known from him or from anyone else. Ever.

Now that I think about it, that was the only time he loved me in that way. During my pregnancies. He got so easily lost in being a working husband and then a father that I resumed my space in the outer rim, in the back seat. Jesus. It has always been about the kids and our family. Never about us. Never about me. I have been so blind. I have spent 16 years – many of them amazing – with a man who took me for granted. He took my love  for granted.

He was as codependent and lost as I was. We both nose-dived into being parents and a family and never carved out time for ourselves as individuals or as a couple. This is the flaw in marriage and in monogamy. First, society sells you the lie that you need to get married and have a home and a family. Settle down! Have babies! And the belief that monogamy is a one-size-fits-all is bullshit. No one person can meet all of your needs. This is especially true if you haven’t been able to meet them on your own.

We had been a sinking ship for years. It took a serious kick in the ass via poly to wake us up to the banality of the life we had created together and eventually felt trapped and suffocated by.

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