Digging Deep

Most days I wake up feeling a tightness in my chest. I feel instantly anxious; filled with emotions that range from hopeful and present, to scared and confused.

For a long stretch of time, I was feeling good. My husband and I got into a routine with the kids – they do 3.5 days with each of us. My husband was floating around from place to place – crashing here and there – and the kids were staying with his parents for the most part (consistency for them comes first).

This week things shifted, yet again. He moved into his new house and the prodigal girlfriend returned from being abroad. These two things in conjunction started to weed their way into my subconscious and then fully into my consciousness with harmful ramifications. I could not turn off my thoughts yesterday. Partly because when I saw my husband, he was texting with her, next to me in the car. He knows that this triggers me badly and yet, he did it anyway. And partly because since she has been back, he has been choosing to spend his time with her instead of with his family.

I want space from that relationship. I want space from that person, who, in my opinion, should have walked away the minute we began to struggle emotionally as a married couple WITH CHILDREN. I am in no way saying that she is the cause of our demise, merely that, when everything began to fall apart, she didn’t have the decency to say, “Hey, it looks like you need to work on your marriage. I am going to give you the space to do that”. But hell, my husband didn’t do that either.

So, yeah. I am back in the rejection phase of when he first left. They are dating and she is sleeping at his place, and from my perspective, it’s as though he has left me for another woman; 12 years younger than I am. It doesn’t feel like he is out doing the self-work and soul-searching that he claimed he needed to do when he moved out. This doesn’t feel like polyamory, this feels like abandonment, plain and simple.

I know that this too shall pass. But it feels so hard again. I feel like every time I get to a healthy head space, something or someone knocks me down; again and again. And I am left asking myself, why? Why do other people’s actions seem to define my sense of well-being? Why do I give others the power to affect me in such unhealthy ways?

It needs to stop.

I have a mantra that I have been using over the last month or so: “is this a helpful thought?”. If the answer is no (which it usually is) then I shut the door on it. I am usually able to shut that mental door and focus on the moment – I have found that being present in my self is the healthiest way to be. Being mindful, peaceful, and gentle with myself means taking control of my mind and not letting it run away with thoughts that just aren’t helpful. I have a tendency to ruminate and let my brain flood with images and fantasies (not the good kind) which serves no purpose other than to knock me down. I am so tired of picking myself up off of the proverbial floor.

I have another post coming soon about mindfulness and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) – the therapy that I am currently working on. Stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, try to be gentle with  yourself. Try to remember, that you are strong, you are loved, and most importantly, that you are worthy of love. That is all we can do – one moment at a time becomes one day at a time then one week at a time.

It is there, that light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen it and it’s calling me forward.

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2 thoughts on “Digging Deep

  1. Aurora Encanta

    You are clearly insightful and generous toward your scenario and those involved and I applaude you for your open heart, which will be rewarded. Beautifully expressed, and you are way ahead knowing to questions thoughts that do not serve you and push further into yourself. This will hurt, but all beginnings that count hurt.

    Namaste

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  2. aliceflowsinphotograms

    Dearest… I relate to you very much, to your feelings of being replaced and abandoned. The trigger of seeing him texting with her or her sleeping at his place. It is hard.. and it looks like this hell you are going through started as an attempt of opening your relationship to a polyamory experience that went wrong which is exactly what happened to me. You are light and love, all your grief and fear and anger and anxiety.. are normal, just allow them. I guess time and a daily healing program will help you out. I’m going through the same emotional turmoil and extremes. I send you healing love and strength sister wherever in the world you are. Things will get better over time. Keep smiling and loving yourself. I am practising metta meditation, trying to integrate the idea of them together, sometimes successfully sometimes less successfully.. Stay focused on the things that make you feel good and grateful to be alive and surround yourself of people who love and support you unconditionally. Be sad and be happy.. much love to you and I hope to hear good news from your side soon 🙂 xxx

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