Sometimes I feel like I am treading water.
I can barely keep my head above the water line.
I am furiously working my body so I can stay afloat and not drown. I keep fighting the pressure pushing me down and under. I don’t want to give in. I will not give in!
Sometimes though, I feel as if this is pointless. Maybe I just need to stop trying and give up; sink to the bottom. I can feel the pressure of the water on my chest, in my throat; I cannot breathe. I feel heavier than lead. There is burning behind my eyes.
Maybe it is just time to sit at the bottom of this fucking lake.
I can see the light filtered through the murky water; it’s always up there. But being down here feels safe, quiet, and peaceful. I am all alone and there are times when I like it that way. No one. Just me and the fish swimming by; staring at this strange underwater girl.
My hair is floating in tendrils all around my head. I am sitting cross-legged and my back is straight. My eyes are open, my face tilted upward. I can see everything.
I can see the people Up There. Going about their day. I am separate. No one can see me, and I don’t ever have to come up for air. This is where I live now. This is my home. This is my path.
A life alone at the bottom of a dark and cold lake.