The Secret Inner Drive

There is a disconnect within my mind; thoughts buried so deep, they tug at my subconscious. I am trying very hard to acknowledge them though they feel primal and hard to access. I want to pay more attention to my very busy inner mind; the driving force behind some of my behavior. I want to separate my rich inner dialogue from the chatter and busyness that seem to coat the surface of my thoughts.

I think we all have motivations that are so deeply embedded in our psyche that we don’t necessarily know that they are there whispering to us; motivating us to make certain choices. If we stripped away that drive, that push or pull, would we make different choices? Or would we stay on the same path? If my mind was naked, stripped down and bare, what would my behavior look like in this pure ‘me’ state? Or is the steady, mostly silent hum beneath my thoughts, what makes up the essence of ‘me’?

I find this shit fascinating and I am going to start to pay very close attention. Starting now.

Alright, an example, you ask? Sure.

And this shit is embarrassing.

It dawned on me last night that I am still pining over my ex. I am still hoping for the day when he lets me back in. When he ‘sees’ me and how much work I’ve done and that I am not the same person I was last week, last month, or last year. I am changing and evolving and healing so quickly, and fuck, a part of me has been doing it for him.

When the man you loved for 16 years repeatedly calls you crazy and psycho,

YOU WANT TO PROVE HIM WRONG.

You want him to know that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he left you; alone, hurting, and confused as fuck.

Damnit to being so honest with myself. Shit. I don’t like admitting that AT ALL. It’s trite, petty, and just silly. But it’s the truth and maybe a good dose of brutal honesty is what I need to wake me up to the fact that he left. He isn’t coming back. And he has found someone to love more than he ever loved me. Puke.

And this: WHY ON EARTH WOULD I EVER WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT ME COMPLETELY? I just said no to a great guy for that exact reason. I want to be wanted wholly, completely, totally; for all of me. That includes my goddamn crazy life and my children. They are a part of me and we are a package deal.

I am a mother, a woman, a teacher, a lover, a sister, a friend, and a human being. I feel nearly everything intensely, deeply, and I love with every fucking fiber of my being.

This is who I am; many puzzle pieces make up an entire Amy.

A lifetime of Amy’s all leading to up to now.

(Sorry, went off on a bit of tangent there).

I do believe that we all have secret motivators within us, steering us to some degree. And perhaps, sometimes, these forces can cause us to make choices or drive our behavior in ways that may cause us to step out of integrity with ourselves. I know I feel a bit ill thinking that some of my hard work has been to prove my ex wrong. I know that my choices and my behavior should come from me and be for me. Which is why, no matter how I must wrestle with myself, I am going to start to pay close attention to what is REALLY going on behind the scenes, so-to-speak, within my own busy brain.

Wish me luck!

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5 thoughts on “The Secret Inner Drive

  1. M

    Your inner strength and brutal honesty are simply inspiring. As someone who is dealing with similar issues and events, I find myself nodding in agreement as I read your posts. Your willingness to keep it moving, keep digging deeper, and keep your heart open, that is the killer combination that will win out above everything else in the end.

    Even if the motivation from the little voice is to prove the ex wrong, no reason you can’t take that and run with it to be the better you. I’ve been in a similar situation, where I made a big change to appease someone else, but it quickly became my own path and it was in the end the best path for me. I found it wasn’t why you got started but only if you kept going.

    I have no doubt that you will continue on your own path. And I will continue to draw inspiration and strength from your journey as I make my way on my own.

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  2. Jim

    This reply to your May 6 post by John was spot-on:

    “Don’t do anything that will limit your physicality, you will need this strength like never before….and you will be fine. …and one day love may come again, the force you fear, but crave, and the whirlwind of passion and trust, in believing in one another, will start a new opportunity …limit yourself not by what has happened….only by what is unknown…but with yourself centered in the now and tomorrow…fear it not.”

    Amy, it is clear from all your writing that you are a truly amazing person in many respects. Your admirably open-hearted expression of conflicting emotions is breathtaking in its vulnerability and intensity. I agree with John’s advice that you shouldn’t do anything that will limit your physicality. I also encourage you not to limit your emotional nature, or even to try. You are already whole, and you are already doing a good job of balancing your strong emotions with your parental and other responsibilities.

    You are wonderful, and you are supported.

    Jim (aka Blue_Centerlight at a certain relationship site, where I have also written to you privately)

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