Patience.

Patience.

I seem to have lost mine. Not sure I ever had much to begin with though.

I have been trying to be mindful of that secret inner voice – the unspoken push from my busy brain. It has been sending me messages of:

Should.

Could.

Would.

Those 3 words in all of their variations do so much damage. And I struggle with turning them off; stopping them completely. I can tell them to fuck off when they pop up, but come they may, with or without my consent.

I Should Have known that I had PTSD. I Should Have been better at loving and feeling regardless of my PTSD. I Should Be over this by now. I Should Not be hurting this badly or this often after 8 months. I Should Be more present and mindful. I Should Stop judging my every thought and emotion. I Should Stop waking up with anxiety. I Should Not feel so much, love so much. I Should not be vulnerable.

I Could Have done things differently. I Could have controlled my PTSD-fueled rage (not actually possible). I Could Have no more feelings. I Could Have more patience with myself (absolutely true). I Could Have made better decisions last year.

I Would Be happier with my ex. I Would be loved more if I wasn’t such a weirdo. I Would be happier if I wasn’t alone. I Would Be healing faster if it weren’t for my fucked up broken brain. I Would have more friends if I wasn’t so damn introverted. If I were at all ‘normal’ I Would Be better by now.

Nastiness. All of it. Unhelpful brain doodling (I just coined that phrase and it’s fucking brilliant).

I know that my path is hard. I understand with a beautiful introspective logic that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on said path because how could I be anywhere else?? But I also feel that nagging, incessant nudge of:

I SHOULD BE BETTER BY NOW.

I SHOULD BE OVER IT.

I SHOULD BE THIS, THAT, OTHER.

Not this achy, hurting, uncertain creature who wakes up with a hole in my chest.

Every. Single. Day.

Patience. What does that look like? What does that feel like?

A deep breath. A long overdue sigh. Letting go of the should, could, would. Being present in every moment. Making space for the hurt and the ache and treating them like an old friend, not an unwanted enemy. Allowing myself the tears that still come. Allowing myself to embrace the difficult feelings and not trying to block them; run from them. Giving myself a break from the constant (unspoken) pressure I put on myself to be someone other than I am able to be right now. Thinking gentle thoughts. Loving thoughts. Kind and peaceful thoughts. Embracing the rollercoaster instead of fighting it tooth and nail. Acknowledging that I might not be okay and that that is okay.

I will breathe. I will pull myself back to the present moment.

With patience.

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9 thoughts on “Patience.

  1. Doug

    Thanks for ‘re-mindfulling’ me that:

    The water is babbling out of the aquarium filter.

    The refrigerator just hummed to life.

    There is a constant ringing in my ears – Raconteurs lyric

    The above “PTSD antidotes” were brought to you from the present moment .

    Re-mindfulling that:

    There’s nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.

    Nothing you can know that isn’t known.

    Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.

    Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.
    It’s easy!

    MANTRA
    There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
    Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
    Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
    It’s easy.
    Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
    No one you can save that can’t be saved.
    Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
    It’s easy.
    All you need is love.
    All you need is love.
    All you need is love, love.
    Love is all you need.

    Nothing you can know that isn’t known.
    Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
    Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.

    It’s easy.
    All you need is love (All together, now!)
    All you need is love (Everybody!)
    All you need is love, love. Love is all you need (love is all you need).

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      1. Doug

        Thanks for the huge, soul-smile while I pack an army of elephants into a clown car and finally get the fuck out of this defunct organic farm-purgatory in Bumpass!

        Like

  2. Doug

    Ha! Thanks, it means leaving the only home my 18 and16 yearold kids have ever known on a former fresh-cut flower, blueberry, aracauna laying hen, dairy goat farm that no person in their right Mind would ever try to singlehandedly maintain. It means finding a way to move that doesn’t require forklifting 14 years of accumulated shit. It means taking the biggest step toward full fruition of independence since I asked my ex-wife to leave and start her ‘new version of herself’ 5 years ago.

    It means I’ve been doing hard time and am about to be set free.

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    Reply
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