From hope

Resilience

I am in love with this word. The sheer power in evokes for me internally is enough right there. But it is so much more than that. It is strength, fierceness, power, fighting back, never giving up, never surrendering. It means that when life throws you a curve ball, you catch the damn thing and…

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my 43rd birthday. One year ago today, I wrote my first blog post. I was so distraught and so completely rocked with grief and emotion, my head and heart felt like they were exploding. I was working through SO MUCH and I needed an outlet. So, I bought a laptop, and I started…

Chrysalis Soup

From National Geographic: But what goes on inside a pupa? We know that a larva releases enzymes that break down many of its tissues into their constituent proteins. Textbooks will commonly talk about the insect dissolving into a kind of “soup”, but that’s not entirely accurate. Some organs stay intact. Others, like muscles, break down into…

Relationship Addiction

Hi. My name is Amy and I am a relationship addict. Yes, it is a thing. A very real and very debilitating thing. From Ann Smith via Psychology Today: The relationship addict experiences intense “abandonment anxiety”. This anxiety triggers panic, low self worth, feelings of emptiness, isolation, and possibly depression. The addict may believe they are worthless without their partner.…

The Seasons Change (but sometimes we get stuck)

I was in my yard the other day and there were leaves on the ground – not on the trees where they SHOULD be; all green and perky, glinting with dappled sunshine. The leaves I saw were brown and crunchy; shriveled and dead, pathetic. I internally shuddered. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love fall.…

Patience.

Patience. I seem to have lost mine. Not sure I ever had much to begin with though. I have been trying to be mindful of that secret inner voice – the unspoken push from my busy brain. It has been sending me messages of: Should. Could. Would. Those 3 words in all of their variations…

The Secret Inner Drive

There is a disconnect within my mind; thoughts buried so deep, they tug at my subconscious. I am trying very hard to acknowledge them though they feel primal and hard to access. I want to pay more attention to my very busy inner mind; the driving force behind some of my behavior. I want to separate my rich inner…

Vulnerability and Expectation

(Trigger warning. Some mildly graphic details of parental death) There are two themes that keep coming up for me. In my thoughts, conversations, reading, and in my writing. The first is vulnerability. The second, expectation. I don’t think the two are in any way connected, but I am certain that they are a part of…

Do Not Love Me.

The kids and their dad move into the new house together with the girlfriend this weekend. This major transition is bringing up some seriously weird emotional shit for me. I know that it is my trauma rearing it’s ugly head in another attempt to shut me off emotionally once again. I feel separate from the kids…