Category Archives: INFJ

Introvert Hangover

I spent a good deal of my day yesterday being social. It was a rare, lucky day where I got to connect with 3 good girlfriends. Three people I can say my anything and everything to. I had a lovely, full day.

And then, this morning, I woke up feeling utterly exhausted; just wiped out. I have come to recognize this as a social/emotional hangover. I didn’t allow for any recharge time after yesterday’s extroverting and I found myself surrounded by 4-year-olds at work and I nearly burst into tears.

I got through my morning and then made the very smart decision to sit under a tree outside, by myself, during my lunch break. It made a world of difference and I was able to make it through the remainder of my day just fine. This is what I jotted down while I was just being:

I feel peace within me

Radiating from me

I feel a blade of grass tickling my leg

I watch as an ant ascends my boot

I hear the wind wrapping itself around leaves just beginning to bud on the trees

A distant chime from someone’s backyard

The warm spring air moves around me

My hair floats in wild strands around my head

Yet I am still

No cars

No children

No voices or laughter

A magpie cackles behind me

I have found what soothes my introverted soul in the middle of my hectic day

Peace

Quiet

Solitude

I am ready to go back inside

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The ‘Off’ Switch

Where is the ‘off’ switch? Where is it located, dammit? On my heart? Somewhere in the folds of my brain?

I am trying SO HARD to accept that love isn’t something I can just shut off any more than I can stop breathing.

The love I am speaking of is a love that is familiar and comfy; it feels warm and safe – I don’t want to let go of that love. But that loves comes from the past; it is tugs on my heart when I think about the man I fell in love with. It nudges me when nostalgia gently peeks its head around a corner; or slaps me on the face.

When I think about the man who added to my trauma, added to my heap of hurt, that same love feels like a disease and turns into a sickness that I can’t get rid of. That love feels unhealthy, like toxic waste in my system. It breaks my heart wide open and I feel like I am leaking all over the place. I am constantly stitching myself up.

I keep reaching out to him with the love that my heart is harboring. Trying to wave the ‘white flag’ of truce, of peace. I am trying to be my most vulnerable and open self with him – for me, for the kids. How else are he and I supposed to move forward if not from respective places of caring and compassion?

I am just exhausted by the constant conflict, the stress and anxiety. I swear to God I am shaving years off of my life. I have never dealt well with turmoil and friction; my mind latches on to the discomfort they bring and won’t let go until things are resolved. But the problem is, that sometimes, things just cannot be resolved. Ever. I suspect it is a core tenet of my personality construct, and a lot to do with my INFJ-ness.

When I shared my thoughts and my emotions with him last night, my open heart, and my love and longing, I got a long response about all of the stress he has currently in his life and a statement at the end that said, “please, please don’t add to it Aim”.

Wow. Just wow.

I saw so clearly in that moment that my love, my hurt, and my desire to have some sort of amazing, loving relationship with this person was viewed as adding to his mountain of shit. Not a source of comfort or support. SHIT (my word, not his). My love and my caring is simply more stress for him. I guess he has enough of that from all of the new people in his life.

He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me.

And yet, I cannot turn this love off. Even though I know it is hurting me to my core. It is leaking out of me and has nowhere to go. I am just sitting here in a pile of love for someone who doesn’t want it, doesn’t need it, and who views it as just another ‘thing’ to deal with.

I have been questioning whether my love – at least to some degree – is the final tendrils of codependency waiting to unravel themselves and the fear of abandonment I still carry around. This is why:

If he were to come home, drop to his knees, beg for forgiveness, and tell me he wants back into my life, this house, this marriage, what would I do? What would I say? If that were to really happen, I believe I would say no.

NO.

Because in moments when I am not hurting and not sitting in my pile of unrequited love, I can honestly say, I don’t want to touch that with a 50 foot pole.

No thank you. Love be damned, I deserve better.

I am…

I saw this brief video the other day where this woman told me to make a list of 40 things that ‘I am’- for example, “I am love” “I am brave”, etc. But she told me to do this every single morning. This seemed crazy to me at the time – 40 things! Everyday! What the utter hell? She told me that this would be good for me and reaffirming of my beautiful self. I need affirmation on a daily basis – it is true, who doesn’t?

Well, here I am, sitting at my computer because I can’t seem to stop my head from ruminating on these yet to be stated 40 things. It seems like such a silly and simple thing.

To make this task more manageable, I am going to aim for 20 and call it a day. Here goes:

  1. I am love
  2. I am brave
  3. I am independent
  4. I am smart
  5. I am all that I need
  6. I am a badass
  7. I am caring
  8. I am kind
  9. I am going to be okay
  10. I am fierce
  11. I am hope
  12. I am a good writer
  13. I am an amazing mother
  14. I am a fierce friend
  15. I am compassionate
  16. I am sensitive
  17. I am worth it
  18. I am growing
  19. I am doing my best
  20. I am fucking awesome

 

The end.

Intovert struggles

Lets take a break from the big feels. Lets talk about introversion.

I took the MBTI – Meyers Briggs personality indicator thingy. I came to discover that I am an INFJ. And the most important finding of all was that I am (apparently) 95% introverted. This doesn’t mean that I am shy. It doesn’t mean that I am quiet, or a bitch, or a loner. It means that when I am out and about with people, in the world, interacting with humans, I get drained. Exhausted, walloped, bushwhackeled (I think I just made that word up). I need alone time and quiet and calm to recharge and feel better. Extroverts love to socialize and be out and about – they gain their energy from being around people and interacting with humans (shudder).

Yesterday, I took my minions to see the ‘Wild Kratts Live’ up in Loveland. The show was long and loud, the kid behind me kept kicking my seat. I was overstimulated the entire time. It was an hour drive each way, I had my son on my body through the duration of the show (he is sick), my daughter wiggled like she had ants in her pants the entire time. After about 3 hours, we left and drove home. I WAS EXHAUSTED. The kids had a blast, I came home and promptly cancelled my adult plans because I just could not. I could not talk to anyone for the rest of the day. I was in my pajamas by 6pm, blissfully sitting on my couch, alone, typing away.

I love being an introvert. I feel such peace knowing that I have boundaries that I must set and respect for my own sanity. It is one of the few things I actually like about being separated from my husband and having my kids part-time – my house is empty 3 nights a week and I am all alone. There is a flip side to this – being introverted makes it hard to find and maintain relationships with people. It seems to me that most people I meet are extroverted and want to hang out and do things. Like get dressed! And see-my-face things! They want to make plans and hang out and when I bail last-minute (which I have been doing a lot) not only do I suffer terrible guilt, I fear that people will stop inviting me and asking me to do things completely. Most people just do not understand why anyone would rather be at home alone on a Saturday night than out partying or whatever it is that people do when they are busy humaning out of the house. It’s the rare friend that doesn’t take it personally and allows for me to take my space when I need it – plans be damned. I value thosefriendships above all else. Because who wants people in their lives who do not understand or respect what makes you, YOU?

 Find out who you are:

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test