Category Archives: introvert

Patience.

Patience.

I seem to have lost mine. Not sure I ever had much to begin with though.

I have been trying to be mindful of that secret inner voice – the unspoken push from my busy brain. It has been sending me messages of:

Should.

Could.

Would.

Those 3 words in all of their variations do so much damage. And I struggle with turning them off; stopping them completely. I can tell them to fuck off when they pop up, but come they may, with or without my consent.

I Should Have known that I had PTSD. I Should Have been better at loving and feeling regardless of my PTSD. I Should Be over this by now. I Should Not be hurting this badly or this often after 8 months. I Should Be more present and mindful. I Should Stop judging my every thought and emotion. I Should Stop waking up with anxiety. I Should Not feel so much, love so much. I Should not be vulnerable.

I Could Have done things differently. I Could have controlled my PTSD-fueled rage (not actually possible). I Could Have no more feelings. I Could Have more patience with myself (absolutely true). I Could Have made better decisions last year.

I Would Be happier with my ex. I Would be loved more if I wasn’t such a weirdo. I Would be happier if I wasn’t alone. I Would Be healing faster if it weren’t for my fucked up broken brain. I Would have more friends if I wasn’t so damn introverted. If I were at all ‘normal’ I Would Be better by now.

Nastiness. All of it. Unhelpful brain doodling (I just coined that phrase and it’s fucking brilliant).

I know that my path is hard. I understand with a beautiful introspective logic that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on said path because how could I be anywhere else?? But I also feel that nagging, incessant nudge of:

I SHOULD BE BETTER BY NOW.

I SHOULD BE OVER IT.

I SHOULD BE THIS, THAT, OTHER.

Not this achy, hurting, uncertain creature who wakes up with a hole in my chest.

Every. Single. Day.

Patience. What does that look like? What does that feel like?

A deep breath. A long overdue sigh. Letting go of the should, could, would. Being present in every moment. Making space for the hurt and the ache and treating them like an old friend, not an unwanted enemy. Allowing myself the tears that still come. Allowing myself to embrace the difficult feelings and not trying to block them; run from them. Giving myself a break from the constant (unspoken) pressure I put on myself to be someone other than I am able to be right now. Thinking gentle thoughts. Loving thoughts. Kind and peaceful thoughts. Embracing the rollercoaster instead of fighting it tooth and nail. Acknowledging that I might not be okay and that that is okay.

I will breathe. I will pull myself back to the present moment.

With patience.

Advertisements

Introvert Hangover

I spent a good deal of my day yesterday being social. It was a rare, lucky day where I got to connect with 3 good girlfriends. Three people I can say my anything and everything to. I had a lovely, full day.

And then, this morning, I woke up feeling utterly exhausted; just wiped out. I have come to recognize this as a social/emotional hangover. I didn’t allow for any recharge time after yesterday’s extroverting and I found myself surrounded by 4-year-olds at work and I nearly burst into tears.

I got through my morning and then made the very smart decision to sit under a tree outside, by myself, during my lunch break. It made a world of difference and I was able to make it through the remainder of my day just fine. This is what I jotted down while I was just being:

I feel peace within me

Radiating from me

I feel a blade of grass tickling my leg

I watch as an ant ascends my boot

I hear the wind wrapping itself around leaves just beginning to bud on the trees

A distant chime from someone’s backyard

The warm spring air moves around me

My hair floats in wild strands around my head

Yet I am still

No cars

No children

No voices or laughter

A magpie cackles behind me

I have found what soothes my introverted soul in the middle of my hectic day

Peace

Quiet

Solitude

I am ready to go back inside

The Rollercoaster

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I started off up high, at the top, looking down at the track in front of me. I couldn’t see the bottom; I was amazed at just how low it went. It was pitch dark down there and it made me feel a bit uneasy just to look at it. But in that moment, it didn’t really matter because I was high above all of the shit; I could ignore it. I was in charge of my emotions. I was the one calling the shots, and I felt amazing. I stayed up there for a few hours, feeling empowered, in control, and completely ME.

After a few hours, I felt my car start to roll forward. I was still close to the top, but I knew damn well where I was headed; I had been down that track before. I kept trying to will myself backwards, back up the track, back up to the top of the rollercoaster. I was scared of going too fast, of speeding down, down, down toward that dark abyss. I kept holding myself back, I was denying myself those emotions that felt too scary. Those feelings that have caused me in the past, to speed down that hill with no control whatsoever. I fought that downward momentum for another couple of hours, exhausting myself completely.

Until I couldn’t.

And then I let go. I let go of that emotional brake and threw down my walls. I sped so quickly down that hill that I got really scared and, without thinking, I did the strangest thing.

I began to talk out loud to myself.

I started telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay. I told myself that my feelings were valid and I was allowed to feel them. Hell, I was supposed to feel them. I was verbally validating my own feelings, talking to myself in a gentle and compassionate way. I cried a bit – I felt my emotions instead of blocking them. I was so sad and I was so angry in that moment. But instead of feeling ashamed or disgusted by my emotions, I took the time to acknowledge them. And, amazingly, they passed (something that still surprises me).

I reached the bottom of the track and my car started (as it always does) right back up to the top. I haven’t quite reached the top yet, but I am on my way. And every single day, it gets easier and easier to just let go and – not enjoy the ride, per say – but not put on that emotional brake. And the next time my car barrels down that track, I might just throw my arms up into the air, open my mouth, let it all out, and scream.

I am…

I saw this brief video the other day where this woman told me to make a list of 40 things that ‘I am’- for example, “I am love” “I am brave”, etc. But she told me to do this every single morning. This seemed crazy to me at the time – 40 things! Everyday! What the utter hell? She told me that this would be good for me and reaffirming of my beautiful self. I need affirmation on a daily basis – it is true, who doesn’t?

Well, here I am, sitting at my computer because I can’t seem to stop my head from ruminating on these yet to be stated 40 things. It seems like such a silly and simple thing.

To make this task more manageable, I am going to aim for 20 and call it a day. Here goes:

  1. I am love
  2. I am brave
  3. I am independent
  4. I am smart
  5. I am all that I need
  6. I am a badass
  7. I am caring
  8. I am kind
  9. I am going to be okay
  10. I am fierce
  11. I am hope
  12. I am a good writer
  13. I am an amazing mother
  14. I am a fierce friend
  15. I am compassionate
  16. I am sensitive
  17. I am worth it
  18. I am growing
  19. I am doing my best
  20. I am fucking awesome

 

The end.

Intovert struggles

Lets take a break from the big feels. Lets talk about introversion.

I took the MBTI – Meyers Briggs personality indicator thingy. I came to discover that I am an INFJ. And the most important finding of all was that I am (apparently) 95% introverted. This doesn’t mean that I am shy. It doesn’t mean that I am quiet, or a bitch, or a loner. It means that when I am out and about with people, in the world, interacting with humans, I get drained. Exhausted, walloped, bushwhackeled (I think I just made that word up). I need alone time and quiet and calm to recharge and feel better. Extroverts love to socialize and be out and about – they gain their energy from being around people and interacting with humans (shudder).

Yesterday, I took my minions to see the ‘Wild Kratts Live’ up in Loveland. The show was long and loud, the kid behind me kept kicking my seat. I was overstimulated the entire time. It was an hour drive each way, I had my son on my body through the duration of the show (he is sick), my daughter wiggled like she had ants in her pants the entire time. After about 3 hours, we left and drove home. I WAS EXHAUSTED. The kids had a blast, I came home and promptly cancelled my adult plans because I just could not. I could not talk to anyone for the rest of the day. I was in my pajamas by 6pm, blissfully sitting on my couch, alone, typing away.

I love being an introvert. I feel such peace knowing that I have boundaries that I must set and respect for my own sanity. It is one of the few things I actually like about being separated from my husband and having my kids part-time – my house is empty 3 nights a week and I am all alone. There is a flip side to this – being introverted makes it hard to find and maintain relationships with people. It seems to me that most people I meet are extroverted and want to hang out and do things. Like get dressed! And see-my-face things! They want to make plans and hang out and when I bail last-minute (which I have been doing a lot) not only do I suffer terrible guilt, I fear that people will stop inviting me and asking me to do things completely. Most people just do not understand why anyone would rather be at home alone on a Saturday night than out partying or whatever it is that people do when they are busy humaning out of the house. It’s the rare friend that doesn’t take it personally and allows for me to take my space when I need it – plans be damned. I value thosefriendships above all else. Because who wants people in their lives who do not understand or respect what makes you, YOU?

 Find out who you are:

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test