From trauma

The Invisible Child

I have finally found the source of my hurt and my pain. The place where my anxiety and PTSD reside. The space within me that reacts with such an intense, emotional ferocity that I separate from reality. Reality becomes too frightening, and my brain protects me by disassociating. It is terrifying. It is debilitating. It…

Everything was fine. Nobody was happy.

“How could anyone not fall in love with you?” My husband uttered those words to me when we first opened our marriage up to the idea of polyamory. We were in bed, snuggled up, surfing the web. We had just created our first online dating profiles and found ourselves completely addicted to, and fascinated by,…

Loving Without Expectation

I have been reading loads of articles on letting go of expectations in regards to relationships. And I have come to the conclusion that I am not capable of this. Yet. Logically, I believe in everything I have read. Letting go of the need to box up a relationship and give it a name. Letting…

Beauty in Breakdown

I am giving you permission to fall apart. To crumble and drop to your knees. To cry so hard you can’t catch your breath and your whole body trembles. I want you to know that it is okay to break and feel like you are losing your mind. It is okay to feel hopeless. To…

Resilience

I am in love with this word. The sheer power in evokes for me internally is enough right there. But it is so much more than that. It is strength, fierceness, power, fighting back, never giving up, never surrendering. It means that when life throws you a curve ball, you catch the damn thing and…

Chrysalis Soup

From National Geographic: But what goes on inside a pupa? We know that a larva releases enzymes that break down many of its tissues into their constituent proteins. Textbooks will commonly talk about the insect dissolving into a kind of “soup”, but that’s not entirely accurate. Some organs stay intact. Others, like muscles, break down into…

Relationship Addiction

Hi. My name is Amy and I am a relationship addict. Yes, it is a thing. A very real and very debilitating thing. From Ann Smith via Psychology Today: The relationship addict experiences intense “abandonment anxiety”. This anxiety triggers panic, low self worth, feelings of emptiness, isolation, and possibly depression. The addict may believe they are worthless without their partner.…

The Seasons Change (but sometimes we get stuck)

I was in my yard the other day and there were leaves on the ground – not on the trees where they SHOULD be; all green and perky, glinting with dappled sunshine. The leaves I saw were brown and crunchy; shriveled and dead, pathetic. I internally shuddered. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love fall.…

The Guilt of Divorce.

Two days ago I told my ex that I wished our children had never been born. And in that moment, I meant it. Let me be very clear – I LOVE MY CHILDREN. They are amazing; kind, smart, loving, and a pain in the ass when they want to be. I grew them for fuck’s…