From trauma

The Guilt of Divorce.

Two days ago I told my ex that I wished our children had never been born. And in that moment, I meant it. Let me be very clear – I LOVE MY CHILDREN. They are amazing; kind, smart, loving, and a pain in the ass when they want to be. I grew them for fuck’s…

Denial.

No one is immune. No one gets a free pass. Every single person in this world hurts, suffers, rages, and cries. Not all of the time, but definitely some of the time; some people more than others. We all ebb and flow through our emotions just as we ebb and flow through our lives. I…

Patience.

Patience. I seem to have lost mine. Not sure I ever had much to begin with though. I have been trying to be mindful of that secret inner voice – the unspoken push from my busy brain. It has been sending me messages of: Should. Could. Would. Those 3 words in all of their variations…

Vulnerability Hangover

*A bit of a rant this morning as I work my way through this latest hurdle* I have a vulnerability hangover and it’s bad. I opened myself up completely to someone and let love back into my life and into my heart; slowly and steadily over the past 5 months. I said goodbye to this…

Do Not Love Me.

The kids and their dad move into the new house together with the girlfriend this weekend. This major transition is bringing up some seriously weird emotional shit for me. I know that it is my trauma rearing it’s ugly head in another attempt to shut me off emotionally once again. I feel separate from the kids…

Have you evolved?

A few days ago, I read a blog post that discussed non-monogamy vs. monogamy and the fact that these two lifestyle choices are often pitted against one another. And, more specifically, that mono people are often perceived as being ‘close-minded’ for their choices. The author touched on something that got me thinking – something I experienced…

Badassery

I am just so happy that I had to write again. The absolute nuttiest thing just happened. Okay, it happened over 3 hours ago, but it happened and it was nutty. My ex texted me a fucking bomb. I knew it would come eventually, that it was inevitable, but man, this feels like too much…

The ‘Off’ Switch

Where is the ‘off’ switch? Where is it located, dammit? On my heart? Somewhere in the folds of my brain? I am trying SO HARD to accept that love isn’t something I can just shut off any more than I can stop breathing. The love I am speaking of is a love that is familiar and comfy;…

(The Terror of) Opening Up

My fluctuations in mood, my state of being, and my every single moment-to-moment, keep having this disastrous effect on me. Their unpredictability and persistence are really messing with my mind and my confidence that this will some day be OVER. That every day will eventually be an empowered and happy one where I am totally self-reliant,…