Tagged hurt

Patience.

Patience. I seem to have lost mine. Not sure I ever had much to begin with though. I have been trying to be mindful of that secret inner voice – the unspoken push from my busy brain. It has been sending me messages of: Should. Could. Would. Those 3 words in all of their variations…

Connection

Connection. Why is it so important? Why does something so (seemingly) simple hold so much weight? I know connection is what is missing from my life. Real, genuine, meaningful connection. I have interactions with other humans throughout my day; the small and the large variety of bipedal creatures. I am blessed with wonderful people that…

The Secret Inner Drive

There is a disconnect within my mind; thoughts buried so deep, they tug at my subconscious. I am trying very hard to acknowledge them though they feel primal and hard to access. I want to pay more attention to my very busy inner mind; the driving force behind some of my behavior. I want to separate my rich inner…

Vulnerability Hangover

*A bit of a rant this morning as I work my way through this latest hurdle* I have a vulnerability hangover and it’s bad. I opened myself up completely to someone and let love back into my life and into my heart; slowly and steadily over the past 5 months. I said goodbye to this…

Vulnerability and Expectation

(Trigger warning. Some mildly graphic details of parental death) There are two themes that keep coming up for me. In my thoughts, conversations, reading, and in my writing. The first is vulnerability. The second, expectation. I don’t think the two are in any way connected, but I am certain that they are a part of…

A Dark Cold Lake

Sometimes I feel like I am treading water. I can barely keep my head above the water line. I am furiously working my body so I can stay afloat and not drown. I keep fighting the pressure pushing me down and under. I don’t want to give in. I will not give in! Sometimes though, I…

Do Not Love Me.

The kids and their dad move into the new house together with the girlfriend this weekend. This major transition is bringing up some seriously weird emotional shit for me. I know that it is my trauma rearing it’s ugly head in another attempt to shut me off emotionally once again. I feel separate from the kids…

The End.

It’s been a crazy 36 hours. I got divorced yesterday. At 8:30 in the morning. I found myself sitting next to a complete stranger; a person I might have thought was cute had I passed him on the street, but still, a stranger. This person sitting next to me on the bench felt oddly familiar…

The ‘Off’ Switch

Where is the ‘off’ switch? Where is it located, dammit? On my heart? Somewhere in the folds of my brain? I am trying SO HARD to accept that love isn’t something I can just shut off any more than I can stop breathing. The love I am speaking of is a love that is familiar and comfy;…