Tagged living

Beautiful Possibilites

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out. II I walk down the same street. There is a…

A reality I do not want to face

I hate to have to do this. I don’t want to talk about it, write about it, complain about it…But fuck, I am freaking out about money. The stark reality of having one income instead of two is currently unnerving me. With a legal separation and with a divorce, come separate finances. Separate incomes, bills,…

I am…

I saw this brief video the other day where this woman told me to make a list of 40 things that ‘I am’- for example, “I am love” “I am brave”, etc. But she told me to do this every single morning. This seemed crazy to me at the time – 40 things! Everyday! What…

In Defense of Polyamory

I would like to make something very clear. Polyamory was not the direct cause of the dissolution of my marriage. It was an indirect cause. It ignited a fire in a relationship that was already fractured (mixed metaphors, I know). You can count on poly to be a lot of hard work, emotional upheaval, and,…

How the melding took its toll

I had been filled with hope today – I wrote about it earlier. I was scared as I wrote – I knew somewhere deep – that it wasn’t real. It was a false longing. And later this evening, here’s how I knew I had been right. I began to harass my husband via text about love.…

An ember of hope

There are some confusing feelings bubbling up inside of me this morning. There is love and hope and a timid curiosity. They are gentle, swirling feelings. These feelings have bubbled up before, but something feels different this time. In the past, my hope has ended up exploding into disappointment and disaster. Resentment, anger, and putting up…

How polyamory cracked me wide open

Polyamory. Heard of it? It is a lifestyle choice. It is the belief that ethical non-monogamy is a more natural way of love and life for some (not all) people. It rests on the belief that no one person can meet all of your needs. No one relationship can fulfill you; that monogamy is not a…

The tendrils of Codependency

Every single morning I wake up in a panic. Maybe not full-blown, but touches of anxiety that range from a tight chest and stomach, to feelings of worthlessness, despair, and longing. I have been in a codependent relationship for the last 16 years. I am now trying to untangle the cords that have bound me to…

Birthday thoughts

Today is my 42nd birthday. I woke up all alone in my bed. All alone in my house. There should be laughter and chatter and people and love but it’s empty and my life feels empty as a result. My husband moved out this past October – taking some space. My kids are with me…