Tagged PTSD

Giving In and Letting Go.

*I wrote this post yesterday; today I am just fine* I cannot escape grief today. It is sitting on my shoulders and won’t leave me alone. It keeps whispering in my ear things like: He left you. He doesn’t love you. You are a fuck up. Your kids are damaged. This is all your fault.…

Vulnerability and Expectation

(Trigger warning. Some mildly graphic details of parental death) There are two themes that keep coming up for me. In my thoughts, conversations, reading, and in my writing. The first is vulnerability. The second, expectation. I don’t think the two are in any way connected, but I am certain that they are a part of…

Beautiful Possibilites

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out. II I walk down the same street. There is a…

The unzipping

Sometimes I have the urge to unzip myself. I would find that imaginary zipper up by my head and pull it down the length of my body. I would shirk off my skin, and step out of myself; clean, new, fresh, reborn. I would turn my face up to the sunshine and breathe in deeply; filling…

In Defense of Polyamory

I would like to make something very clear. Polyamory was not the direct cause of the dissolution of my marriage. It was an indirect cause. It ignited a fire in a relationship that was already fractured (mixed metaphors, I know). You can count on poly to be a lot of hard work, emotional upheaval, and,…

How polyamory cracked me wide open

Polyamory. Heard of it? It is a lifestyle choice. It is the belief that ethical non-monogamy is a more natural way of love and life for some (not all) people. It rests on the belief that no one person can meet all of your needs. No one relationship can fulfill you; that monogamy is not a…

The tendrils of Codependency

Every single morning I wake up in a panic. Maybe not full-blown, but touches of anxiety that range from a tight chest and stomach, to feelings of worthlessness, despair, and longing. I have been in a codependent relationship for the last 16 years. I am now trying to untangle the cords that have bound me to…

This is what trauma looks like…

I wrote this post in an actual triggered state: Trauma and triggered moments are my nightmare. They come at random and they hijack my brain, my mind, my being. They take charge and whisper in my ear: you are alone, you are worthless, you are unloveable, and you are damaged. They fill me with fear,…