Tagged trauma

The Game

I really hate admitting this, but I need to because it’s the truth, I am depressed. I have most of the signs and symptoms. Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, decreased energy, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite.…

Relationship Addiction

Hi. My name is Amy and I am a relationship addict. Yes, it is a thing. A very real and very debilitating thing. From Ann Smith via Psychology Today: The relationship addict experiences intense “abandonment anxiety”. This anxiety triggers panic, low self worth, feelings of emptiness, isolation, and possibly depression. The addict may believe they are worthless without their partner.…

The Seasons Change (but sometimes we get stuck)

I was in my yard the other day and there were leaves on the ground – not on the trees where they SHOULD be; all green and perky, glinting with dappled sunshine. The leaves I saw were brown and crunchy; shriveled and dead, pathetic. I internally shuddered. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love fall.…

Denial.

No one is immune. No one gets a free pass. Every single person in this world hurts, suffers, rages, and cries. Not all of the time, but definitely some of the time; some people more than others. We all ebb and flow through our emotions just as we ebb and flow through our lives. I…

Vulnerability and Expectation

(Trigger warning. Some mildly graphic details of parental death) There are two themes that keep coming up for me. In my thoughts, conversations, reading, and in my writing. The first is vulnerability. The second, expectation. I don’t think the two are in any way connected, but I am certain that they are a part of…

Do Not Love Me.

The kids and their dad move into the new house together with the girlfriend this weekend. This major transition is bringing up some seriously weird emotional shit for me. I know that it is my trauma rearing it’s ugly head in another attempt to shut me off emotionally again. I feel separate from the kids in…

Badassery

I am just so happy that I had to write again. The absolute nuttiest thing just happened. Okay, it happened over 3 hours ago, but it happened and it was nutty. My ex texted me a fucking bomb. I knew it would come eventually, that it was inevitable, but man, this feels like too much…

The ‘Off’ Switch

Where is the ‘off’ switch? Where is it located, dammit? On my heart? Somewhere in the folds of my brain? I am trying SO HARD to accept that love isn’t something I can just shut off any more than I can stop breathing. The love I am speaking of is a love that is familiar and comfy;…

(The Terror of) Opening Up

My fluctuations in mood, my state of being, and my every single moment-to-moment, keep having this disastrous effect on me. Their unpredictability and persistence are really messing with my mind and my confidence that this will some day be OVER. That every day will eventually be an empowered and happy one where I am totally self-reliant,…