Tagged trauma

Do Not Judge Me

I have been thinking a lot about judgement. Judgment of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, to be specific. Over the course of the past few months I have noticed that I have the tendency to judge my thoughts and emotions and this is an automatic thing – a learned response. I question everything that I think and feel…

Forward Momentum

Something amazing has been happening. It doesn’t seem real – it seems too good to be true. But it IS real. And it IS true. I have begun to accept and to feel my emotions as they come up; for the first time since I was a little girl. My entire life I have denied myself…

Beautiful Possibilites

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out. II I walk down the same street. There is a…

After the Children

I am in the rabbit hole. I am at the bottom of my rollercoaster. My husband just called my blog – this blog – “absurd, self-indulgent bullshit” My hurt is real. My feelings of inadequacy and rejection – those are real. My abandonment, my pain, my feelings of guilt, rejection, betrayal, ALL REAL. My blog…

The unzipping

Sometimes I have the urge to unzip myself. I would find that imaginary zipper up by my head and pull it down the length of my body. I would shirk off my skin, and step out of myself; clean, new, fresh, reborn. I would turn my face up to the sunshine and breathe in deeply; filling…

Compersion and NRE a blissful combination or a recipe for disaster?

Compersion. NRE. Two of the most popular terms thrown around in poly circles. Compersion is defined as “the positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship”. Jealousy be damned, if you are polyamorous, compersion is the mecca of feelings. If you are successful in feeling compersion, then Welcome, Friends! You are officially amazing at…

In Defense of Polyamory

I would like to make something very clear. Polyamory was not the direct cause of the dissolution of my marriage. It was an indirect cause. It ignited a fire in a relationship that was already fractured (mixed metaphors, I know). You can count on poly to be a lot of hard work, emotional upheaval, and,…

Monster Family

The picture above was drawn by my 7-year-old daughter right after the split. She titled it “Monster Family” and bawled her eyes out when we talked about it. She drew herself wide eyed and anxious (bottom right). Divorce is a nightmare. No matter what your circumstance, your situation, it is horrific and I wouldn’t wish…

How polyamory cracked me wide open

Polyamory. Heard of it? It is a lifestyle choice. It is the belief that ethical non-monogamy is a more natural way of love and life for some (not all) people. It rests on the belief that no one person can meet all of your needs. No one relationship can fulfill you; that monogamy is not a…