From growth

The Game

I really hate admitting this, but I need to because it’s the truth, I am depressed. I have most of the signs and symptoms. Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, decreased energy, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite.…

Family of Three

I took the kids camping for a few days this week. It was a gorgeous spot situated right on a lake, complete with beachy-mud-sand. We had the place to ourselves and the weather could not have been better. Endless blue skies, big juicy clouds, and afternoon storms that would rage their way through our camp…

The Invisible Child

I have finally found the source of my hurt and my pain. The place where my anxiety and PTSD reside. The space within me that reacts with such an intense, emotional ferocity that I separate from reality. Reality becomes too frightening, and my brain protects me by disassociating. It is terrifying. It is debilitating. It…

I’m Taking Back My Power

I lost mine for a long while. Or at the very least, I kept giving too much of it away. I lost my power in being a wife, in being a mother, in being someone’s lover. I let myself give and give until there was nothing left. I watched as my pieces floated away. I…

Everything was fine. Nobody was happy.

“How could anyone not fall in love with you?” My husband uttered those words to me when we first opened our marriage up to the idea of polyamory. We were in bed, snuggled up, surfing the web. We had just created our first online dating profiles and found ourselves completely addicted to, and fascinated by,…

Meditation

I have been meditating. FOR FOUR DAYS. Laugh all you want, but it feels like a miracle that I have been able to keep it up for that long. I have tried meditation before, but it always seemed to make me more anxious. I attributed it to a couple of things; the main ones being…

A Gentle Sadness

*First of all, I would like to apologize to my readers for having been gone so long. It wasn’t my intention; I have been healing and processing so much, I didn’t have the energy to write.*   I have come to accept that there is an undercurrent of sadness that gently flows beneath everything that…

Loving Without Expectation

I have been reading loads of articles on letting go of expectations in regards to relationships. And I have come to the conclusion that I am not capable of this. Yet. Logically, I believe in everything I have read. Letting go of the need to box up a relationship and give it a name. Letting…

I am So Sorry

Sometimes I feel like you left because you were bored and restless. I feel like you left because you were unsatisfied with our marriage, our family, and your place within the life you and I had created together. I don’t think you wanted the responsibility of having a family or a mortgage. I believe that…