The picture above was drawn by my 7-year-old daughter right after the split. She titled it “Monster Family” and bawled her eyes out when we talked about it. She drew herself wide eyed and anxious (bottom right).
Divorce is a nightmare.
No matter what your circumstance, your situation, it is horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Did the love fade? Was there cheating? Abuse? Neglect? Was it an unhealthy relationship and you couldn’t manage any of it for one more day? Or was it something else?
It hurts. I don’t give a shit what went down or what is going down. It just sucks. The kids hurt, the grown-ups hurt, their families, their friends. It is uncomfortable. It is taboo. Marriage is hard fucking work and if it goes wrong then who is to blame? Someone is to blame aren’t they??? There is so much emotion. Anger, hatred, sadness, despair, terror, fear, abandonment, regret, loss, love, caring, worry, uncertainty, guilt. It’s all there and it’s all swirling around you like a tornado; an angry swarm of wasps. It feels like treading water with no shore in sight. No boat to save you and certainly no life-preserver anywhere. You are on your own in your grief; in your process. It is constant and it doesn’t stop.
You are riding a wave. A tsunami. A huge tidal wave of emotion. You’re up there fighting for your life, struggling to survive. It is terrifying. Everything seems to hit you all at once. The nostalgia for someone who no longer exists. The memories of a family that used to be intact. The hopes and dreams you had shared with your partner. Those were supposed to be FOREVER. Those were never supposed to die. They bombard you and they full-frontal-tackle you. You cry off and on for weeks. Then you rage and scream and blame because those feelings are easier than sadness.
Who do you blame? Who is at fault here in this shit situation? The kids certainly aren’t. And every time you see them hurting a part of you wants to die. But you realize that nothing can take away that pain; nothing can take away your pain either. It just is. It’s the wave, it’s the storm, it’s the truth of the moment and the situation. Every single person who has been through this has told me – it will get better. When? When will it get better?
I am in a tunnel, it’s dark, it’s lonely, and I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Let alone the light at the end….yet.