The Rollercoaster

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I started off up high, at the top, looking down at the track in front of me. I couldn’t see the bottom; I was amazed at just how low it went. It was pitch dark down there and it made me feel a bit uneasy just to look at it. But in that moment, it didn’t really matter because I was high above all of the shit; I could ignore it. I was in charge of my emotions. I was the one calling the shots, and I felt amazing. I stayed up there for a few hours, feeling empowered, in control, and completely ME.

After a few hours, I felt my car start to roll forward. I was still close to the top, but I knew damn well where I was headed; I had been down that track before. I kept trying to will myself backwards, back up the track, back up to the top of the rollercoaster. I was scared of going too fast, of speeding down, down, down toward that dark abyss. I kept holding myself back, I was denying myself those emotions that felt too scary. Those feelings that have caused me in the past, to speed down that hill with no control whatsoever. I fought that downward momentum for another couple of hours, exhausting myself completely.

Until I couldn’t.

And then I let go. I let go of that emotional brake and threw down my walls. I sped so quickly down that hill that I got really scared and, without thinking, I did the strangest thing.

I began to talk out loud to myself.

I started telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay. I told myself that my feelings were valid and I was allowed to feel them. Hell, I was supposed to feel them. I was verbally validating my own feelings, talking to myself in a gentle and compassionate way. I cried a bit – I felt my emotions instead of blocking them. I was so sad and I was so angry in that moment. But instead of feeling ashamed or disgusted by my emotions, I took the time to acknowledge them. And, amazingly, they passed (something that still surprises me).

I reached the bottom of the track and my car started (as it always does) right back up to the top. I haven’t quite reached the top yet, but I am on my way. And every single day, it gets easier and easier to just let go and – not enjoy the ride, per say – but not put on that emotional brake. And the next time my car barrels down that track, I might just throw my arms up into the air, open my mouth, let it all out, and scream.